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Student Affairs : Counseling Services : Self Help : Coming Out
Coming Out
Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or gender variant, queer, and questioning (LGBTQQ) people often experience much anxiety and encounter more difficulties based on their stigmatized status. Whether they are aware of their sexual and/or gender identity at a young age or much later in life, coming out means:
Going through a personal journey of becoming aware, trying to understand, and finally accepting one’s sexual or gender identity. Having to cope with heterosexual and gendered assumptions of this society, and threatening attitudes and prejudicial behaviors of others. Often times feeling isolated and lonely. Sometimes having to choose between groups of affiliation and possibly being marginalized from both groups. For example, if you are also from an ethnic culture that is not as accepting of gay identities, you may have to choose being with a gay-affiliated group versus an ethnically-affiliated group. Some individuals feel rejected from a religious identity. A lifelong process of having to “come out” to new people you meet, or having others “come out” for you intentionally or unintentionally, and being exposed to harassment and potentially life-threatening behaviors of others.
Coming Out to Oneself
First, it is helpful to think of sexual identity on a spectrum, ranging from exclusively same sex attraction on one end, to exclusively opposite sex attraction on the other. Being aware of where you fit along that spectrum is the first step in exploring your identity.
Second, it is important to understand the difference between sexual identity and gender identity. Please see definitions at www.gender.org
It is also helpful to find more positive information about LGBTQQ people, and especially people who are also of your ethnic background. There are many negative stereotypes and myths about LGBTQQ people, and it would be helpful for you to understand that your own possible negative views are a product of societal prejudices and biases. There are some references and suggestions for further reading at the bottom of this page.
Remember that there are some positive outcomes of coming out: Studies have found that the more positive the LGBTQQ identity, the better one’s mental health and the higher one’s self-esteem. Coming out may also bring you a sense of freedom and relief from not having to hide anymore.
Coming Out to Other LGBT Individuals
If you feel that you are ready to come out to others, it is recommended that you first come out to those who are more likely to be supportive. You may want to first talk about LGBTQQ issues with a select few to see how they react. This will give you a fairly good idea of their openness.
Other LGBTQQ people will tend to be more supportive because they have had similar experiences of coming out, and they will help decrease your feelings of isolation and shame.
Try to also find other LGBTQQ people of your cultural and religious background, especially if you are non-European American. It can be lonely to not feel affiliated with anyone when your identity is different than the mainstream. Find that comfortable and welcoming environment!
Your coming out process does not need to follow a specific timeline or happen quickly. It is more important for you to explore who you are and to choose what feels most comfortable for you.
Also be mindful that you do NOT have to come out to everyone if you do not feel ready. Remember that coming out is a journey, not a single event.
Coming Out to Heterosexuals
Coming out to non-LGBTQQ persons may be the most difficult step in your process. This may be even more challenging if your ethnic and/or religious culture is especially homophobic or transphobic. Try to come out to others only after you have already worked through your identities and have developed self-confidence so that you are not as reliant on positive feedback from others. Again, try to first come out to those who are most likely to be supportive. Some people may initially reject you, or they may be confused, not know how to respond, or say the wrong things. Try not to consider them as being “hopeless”; many do come around eventually. If persons are unsupportive they may attempt to discriminate against you. You may hear threats of losing your housing or employment. You may also lose your employment or housing. It is illegal to discriminate against LGBTQQ individuals for housing and employment in California and in Santa Clara County. Know your rights. Seek help if you experience discrimination.
Other Considerations
Choose your words, time and place carefully. Remind the other person that you are still the same individual as you were yesterday. Have friends or family members lined up for support after you come out. Don’t despair if you don’t initially receive the reaction that you would like. People may need some time to digest the information and come to terms with what you have shared. Again, do not allow your self-satisfaction to be dictated by others. You have a right to live a congruent life and be open about your identity.
How Personal Counseling Can Help
It is not easy to try to come out to yourself and to others. We developed into who are and our views of ourselves over our lifetime, and it may take some time to overcome possible homophobic or transphobic views. However because your sexual and gender identity is so central to who you are, it is well worth the effort to seek help with a possibly difficult coming out process. Counseling may also be appropriate to receive support for concerns not related to coming out.
Personal counselors here at Counseling Services will provide a safe and confidential environment to discuss sexual and/or gender identity.
Counselors can help you develop a supportive circle of support so that you can feel more integrated in your identity and achieve academic and personal success.
Personal counselors are available at Counseling Services in Administration Building, Room 201, to consult, vent, and explore your identity and the coming out process. We are open for walk-ins M-F, 10am-4pm, and for emergency/crisis walk-ins M-F, 8am-5pm. Please call 408-924-5910 for more information.
Additional Resources
Campus Resources
LGBTQQIA Discussion Group: This group is co-sponsored by Counseling Services and the LGBT Resource Center. SJSU students who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer, questioning, gender variant, and transgender are welcome. LGBT Resource Center: The campus respurce center provides numerous activities including: game night, social events, political events, student groups based on cultural identity, and trans/gender variant student groups. The office can also provide a list of gender-neutral bathrooms on campus. Stop by Building BB for more information. The center is located in Building BB. Contact Bonnie Sugiyama (bonnie.sugiyama@sjsu.edu) for more information. Peers In Pride: This mentoring program pairs returning SJSU LGBTQQI-identified students with incoming (first year and transfer) LGBTQQI students. Students interested in mentoring or being matched with a mentor can contact one of the two sponsoring agencies: Counseling Services (angela.krumm@sjsu.edu) or the LGBT Resource Center (bonnie.sugiyama@sjsu.edu). QTIP (Queers Thoughtfull Interrupting Prejudice): This student group coordinates many political and social activities on campus. Meetings are held weekly. http://studentorgs.sjsu.edu/qtip (or inquire at the LGBT Resource Center).
Local Resources
St. James Health Clinic: Provides low cost (sliding scale fee) transgender health care services (408-918-2600) BAYMEC: The Bay Area Municipal Elections Committee is a non-partisan, political action committee serving the civil rights concerns of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender individuals in the central coast counties of San Mateo, Santa Clara, Santa Cruz and Monterey: http://www.baymec.net/ Billy DeFrank Lesbian and Gay Center--The Center, just minutes from campus, provides information, support and services to the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community from as far north as Foster City and as far south as Gilroy: www.defrank.org ProLatino—support and strengthen the identity of Santa Clara County LGBTQQ Latino community by promoting health, educational, prevention, cultural, and social values through individual action: http://www.prolatino.org/ Rainbow Committee of the Santa Clara County Bar Association--This Committee promotes full and equal participation in the profession by gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender attorneys and to provide educational forums to eliminate homophobia in the courts and the workplace: www.sccba.com Transgender Law Center: This San Francisco agency advocates for civil rights for the transgender community. Their website provides information regarding legal steps for name changes, gender identity markers, etc. Transpowerment Group: This program is working to reduce HIV infection and transmission in the transgender community. They provide workshops, case management, and groups. Program primarily targets trans women of color. http://www.chpscc.org/hiv/transpowerment/
Nationally
Gender Education and Advocacy (GEA): This national organization focuses on the needs, issues, and concerns of gender variant persons. They provide educational information on their website: www.gender.org. Gay library: The Gay Library serves as a leading public education resource (updated daily) with a constantly expanding global outreach. Includes list of local gay-friendly religious facilities: http://www.gaylibrary.com/enter.htm Coming Out Stories:There are many books and articles related to LGBTQQ issues including collections of coming out stories at www.comingoutstories.com. The SJSU LGBT Resource Center also maintains a reading library in Building BB. Human Rights Campaign (HRC): A national political organization based in Washington, D.C. that works to ensure equality for the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community: www.hrc.org National Lesbian and Gay Law Association (NLGLA): An affiliate of the American Bar Association that sponsors year-round regional and local events to promote justice in and through the legal profession for the lesbian and gay community: www.nlgla.org NationalCenterfor Lesbian Rights (NCLR): A legal resource with the primary commitment to advancing the rights of lesbians through a program of litigation, public policy advocacy, free legal advice and counseling: www.nclrights.org
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